Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)

It is less about the content/issues that couples fight about and more about how couples fight/interact that makes them feel unsafe and therefore defensive.

If your relationship is under stress, chances are it’s effecting your entire life.  Current attachment research indicates that the status of our most important relationships directly impacts all other areas of our lives, especially our physical / emotional health and self-esteem.

Couples come into therapy when they are experiencing distress. Most often, they are caught in repeated cycles of arguing and miscommunication over a particular issue or multiple issues. Over and over again they keep repeating the same negative interaction. When we are caught in these negative patterns, it is difficult to see that the negative cycle is causing more distress than the original difference or argument.

This can not only leave couples feeling disconnected, distant and emotionally isolated from their partners, but it can also lead to destructive interchanges between partners. John Gottman, a relationship expert and researcher refers to these interchanges as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, they represent a metaphor to describe communication styles that spell trouble and/or can predict the end of a relationship:

• Criticism: verbally attacking your partner’s personality or character

• Defensiveness: victimizing yourself to ward off a perceived attack and reverse the blame

• Contempt: attacking sense of self with an intent to insult or abuse

• Stonewalling: withdrawing to avoid conflict and to convey disapproval, distance and separation

It’s important to keep in mind that when cycles erode the foundation of connection between partners, it’s not you, your partner or the relationship to blame but rather the cycle!

That's where Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples comes in! EFT recognizes that relationship distress results from a perceived threat to basic adult needs for safety, security, and closeness in intimate relationships. EFT helps couples by working to strengthen attachment bonds. When strong attachment bonds exist, it means couples feel safe together, know they are most important to their partner, are more flexible in problem solving, communicate, and feel securely connected.

EFT helps couples de-escalate, slow things down and start to feel, think and express to their partner, what is really going on for them under the surface, to help them connect in a more powerful and loving way.

EFT couples therapy provides a place where both partners can share their thoughts, feelings and concerns with a neutral therapist who is trained to help them weed through the distress to uncover what's really going on for each partner. By slowing things down in the Couples therapy process, it allows for a new conversation to emerge.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples was originally created over 35 years ago by Dr’s Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg.  Since that time Sue Johnson and her colleagues have made EFT what it is today - one of the most used models of couples therapy.

How is the Therapy Process Structured for Couples?

After an initial assessment, the approach is generally short term (8-20 sessions). The therapy process is structured as follows:

Initial conjoint assessment session.Next, each partner has an individual assessment session.One follow-up feedback / assessment session.Conjoint intervention sessions are generally between 8 and 20 sessions.

With your active participation in the therapy process, I will collaborate with you to work on goals we have outlined towards redefining your relationship. Changes in your relationship can happen when you both experience each other differently and interact in new ways.

By investing in your relationship, you can learn how to honor and respect differences in each other and break the cycle of behaviors you continue to play out. This can ultimately help reinvigorate passion and commitment for each other.